finals!!

So happy that it’s almost time for the Christmas break, it almost makes the exams less worse. Next I have U.S History and IB English final. During the final, the classes are smaller and more comfy. It’s the time when we bring chips and cereals to trade. The final exams are a way for people to raise or drop their grade one last time. Finals week is filled with stress and review packets that people struggle to finish. We are expected to study and recall material that was presented to us at the start of the year. It helps when there isn’t too much drama and distractions buzzing around the halls. Some people don't seem to realize that we have responsibilities and stress out side of school. They may have already gone through school and everythings but things are different now, people learn things so much sooner and faster so they're givin more to handle. With some of the teens you see, it seems amazing they even got through potty training. How do they get through school? Well... some don't. But for those who can, all that can be done is one exam at a time. Hopefully we’ll be able to use more exemptions for the next final because there's just too much to do now.

Time is a butt

Time… I hate it. There just too much or too little, never the right amount. With time comes boredom and desire. You get bored when there just too much time and with nothing to fill the gap of space. Or you keep wanting just a few more moments with friends or family. It’s unpredictable along with almost everything else in life. Why do we ask so many questions if we don’t get all the answers? Because we’re curious? I suppose all we can do is ask and hope or someone, anyone, to answer back. Too many questions make me frustrated… I believe most things that happen to you happen for a reason or because you had it coming. I believe you do affect your path in life. People who mess that up now, might be making a mistake that will last longer than they’d hoped for.

too much to do

This week is full of stress filled moments. Monday I had a Beta club meeting which wasn’t bad but then today I had two quizzes and I have to start an essay. Tomorrow I need to help out with community service but I should be studying for my ACT test on Saturday. Starting on Monday, I have a week filled with finals which I need A’ s in all. I haven’t studied anything for the ACT and this is my first time taking it. I tried putting it off because I’m always compared to my sister who can sleep in class and still get A’s. When she took the ACT she received a 30 out of 36 and I’ll probably receive a 19 or something close. Plus the stress added from the fact that I’ll be able to obtain my license in less than a month but I have less than 5 hours of driving and I haven’t even been on the road quite yet. My parents are too afraid to teach me after the whole incident with my sister. I want to get my license as soon as possible so that I won’t have to be stuck home. I’m probably going to have to suck it up and get over it because unless I get more time on the road, I’m not getting my license any time soon.

brrrrr

It’s 7:32 PM and my feet are cold. For some reason I like to leave the window open 24/7. I suppose it’s because it seems more refreshing… It’s only been half a school year and I’ve run out of blog topics. I have random stories that pop up so I guess I start with them.
Growing up I always loved the cold. I always believed it was better than being hot. If I got stressed I’d just try to cool myself off and I used the cold as something that would relax me. I definitely had insomnia. Sleeping would always take an hour or so for me to fall asleep. The thought of me being the only one awake in my house always freaked me out as a kid so after a while I would sleep with ice packs or towels drenched in freezing water. I’m aware that it sounds weird but it truly helped me fall asleep so much faster. One way I got accustomed to the cold was the fact that my sister would lock me out of the house, without shoes on, whenever it would snow. Yeah… she liked to lock me out or in…. at one point I thought it was an OCD thing about her locking all the doors. Nope, turns out she just had a thing about being around me (such a great sister…). We were not the type of sisters that you’d see in pictures together or the ones just going for a ride. Since she moved away we have gotten a lot better and a lot closer. We’ve attempted going to the movies together but some things always get in the way. I’m sure things will get much better with time.

Forgiveness?

He bought her a little pink computer hoping all would be okay between them. The bad blood between them seemed to be his. She was mad that her father never paid for child support after her mother left him. But what could he do if he didn’t have the money? She just pushes him away without giving another chance. He tries so hard to make it up to her but he gets shot down every time. He loves her so much and always mentions his little girl. But with his daughter not wanting anything to do with him, another willingly tries to help fill the void. Me. Yes, I do love my father but I’m used to not having him around. He was always so busy with work he had to come home late. Sometimes he wouldn’t even be able to come home till the next night. When he’s around I try and utilize all the time I can but it’s never enough time. My “uncle” always treated me as a daughter and I feel bad because he’s such a good man but his own blood won’t take the chance to see the good in him. Knowing how hard he tries and how she doesn’t even take a second glance, I’ve come up with an image of her as cold and heartless. What has the world come to that we can’t even forgive the very blood that runs through us?
I suppose I understand some of her coldness. When family betrays you it hurts more and takes a bigger toll that we thought possible. That one greedy man, who only knows how to take and steal from family, can ruin the relationships that took so long to build up. And yes, I do hold resentment towards him and right now, I can’t see myself forgiving him. I just need time and that may be just what she needs too. Who knows how long it’ll take for him to be forgiven but all that he can do now is wait.
Waiting just takes too long. It seems we spend most of our lifetime waiting for things to happen. Why not take action? Why not be the first to act? Because it gets scary… It makes people feel uneasy and anxious. People usually stray from the unknown. They don’t like not knowing because it puts them at a disadvantage. But that’s life, not knowing the unknown.

Looking for That Little Ray of Sunshine

When people don’t care about their future, it makes me worry about mine. If everyone makes some kind of influence on the world, then how will the slackers and the underachievers affect our future? Will we run in circles as it ends in flames or will we go on as if our burning feet don’t bother us? Now that it is getting closer to the exams, good/bad students are getting weaved out by their grades. For those who aren’t willing to try and succeed, just leave them. No one can help them if they’re not willing to be helped. As I have mentioned before (on my other blogs), its life. It’s Darwinism. It won’t be our fault when they’re on the streets begging for money at the corner of the street. It’s not that I don’t care about those who weren’t able to keep their homes and now dwell on the streets but with all the lies and evil that surround the earth nowadays, I’m not sure whether or not I really trust them. I’ve become so cynical after seeing how cruel the world can truly be. Once and a while some good pops out from nowhere. But it reminds me that some things are worth going through all the difficult moments just to get a glimpse the good and to always look for that little ray of sunshine.

Shut Your Face…

Singing is a great way to express your feelings. Doesn’t matter if they’re tone deaf, it’s a stress reliever. There’s only one reason you shouldn’t sing. If you’re one of those people who like to “sing with your tongue” just don’t. PLEASE. It’s so creepy but I can’t help but to look! It leaves me stunned and dazed. Apparently, when one “sings with their tongue”, they need more room for their tongue. It’s comparable to someone who would pretend to puke, you know, with the BLAH and everything. I just want to shove something in your mouth to fill the large hole. If you’re wondering if anyone really does this, YES… there aren’t too many but they’re out there. And if you’re lucky you may be able to observe one of these astonishing feats.

Chomp Chomp!

People are crazy. I used to think middle school was filled with enough immature weird boys who bit into their chap stick. But now, they put those same boys who abuse their lip moisturizer, into huge, fast, metal cars. I couldn’t figure out why parents and teachers didn’t just sift through the boys picking out which ones would succeed and which would fail. If they don’t take the time to study for a test and decide to whine about it later, then cut them loose. It’s Darwinism. That’s life. Even the fish in my fish tank know that. Except they take it a step farther… they eat the loser.

family of fish

I was sitting at home alone thinking about how much I really knew about my family. It turns out that there are just too many things to know. This weekend I’ve realized some new things about my family. To some of the things I’ve learned I feel closer to them but with some, I prefer if I didn’t know. Some things just don’t need to be shared between people. I suppose that’s why there are secrets. From now on, I’ll stay away from anything that looks “fishy”. It’s horrifying to know the true secrets we hide from each other. You don’t have to know every about each other to be close. Just except them for the secrets you do know. Most can’t always be a happy family but 50% isn’t that bad either. Being truthful at certain points in time may matter but secrets aren't always a bad thing.

Deceiving

Deceiving
Why is it that people are so intent on earning money? They do everything they can to get it. Scams hurt the innocent and reward the greedy. How is that justified? Many times I’ve heard that police officers were the ones being said to be who break the law the most. I’ve seen them get closer to a red light and turn on their sirens. Right after passing the light, it goes off. How can people abuse their power to such an extent that it deals with the law? So many people in the world shame their profession. Some doctors become biased enough to decide whether or not a man may live or die. It’s sad to see how much money and power can influence a life.

shameful misery

There are always old folk telling the “kiddies” to live without regret. Regret seems to be a way of showing insecurity. Who doesn’t have either of those? I guess something to keep in mind is that no one’s perfect. No one likes everything about themselves. But making fun of someone to make you feel better is pathetic and parasitic. Feeding off another ones misery to satisfy yourself. The bully’s aren’t as bad as the movies and story portrays them as, but they’re still hurtful. Watching them prey off others seems sad… for the bully. It looks as if people have gone back to more primitive ways. There are so many reasons to be ashamed of my generation but hopefully we’ll make up for it when we’re running the world. Now that’s a creepy thought.

Complexly insignificant

How is it possible that some things seem so simple but others are so complex? For example, the human body. First, you have the skin, muscle, bone, and tissue. But then it goes down farther and more in depth. This concept can be used for just about anything. There’s always a deeper, more complex, answer.

I’m amazed how people were able to develop and discover the things we know and use today. I think about life and how everything really depends on you and the people surrounding you. Lately, I’ve thought of my life as insignificant. But then, aren’t I? It means nothing to die, right? I mean, there are people dying and there will always be people dying. That may seem like a cold view of life but it only means or seems like something when you’re somehow connected to them. I’m not too sure if I believe what I’m typing but it’s something to think about.

I hope to mean something to someone. The next thought to follow would be, for those who are my someones, I don’t want to hurt them…. I don’t know… it’s all so complicated. Everything seems to be complicated; even breathing (at least the scientific view). Last year I took two science classes but it didn’t seem enough. This year I’m taking three. I keep taking science classes to simplify my views of life. It seems if someone has a better understanding of some things, it seems uncomplicated; simpler.

comparing fruit

Throughout one’s life, they’ll hear one question asked repeatedly. What are you going to be when you grow up? At such a young age, most of us aren’t sure. But even though I’ve grown since then, I’m still undecided. For a while, I thought I wanted to be an oncologist but then so many people in my family decided they wanted that career as well. I don’t want to be in a career where I’ll be compared to the rest of my family. I did however; realize that I wanted to be in the medical field. I hate life changing decisions; they put too much stress on me. I guess I’ll just have to live with it, like everything else.

Ghosts and Goblins

Halloween. The one day where children are encouraged to take candy from strangers. A time where people run around dressed as princesses and power rangers. Many people say it’s a way for them to have fun without needing an excuse. Halloween has always been a weird day for me. From being too afraid to knock on the door to running away from a grown man who decided to chase me two blocks (after jumping up from his homemade dirt grave). I can’t say it’s my favorite time of the year… It’s not bad but not great. I suppose the people who you spent it with makes up your day. So here’s me hoping my Halloween this year will be….different?

Not seen but maybe heard

They say there are those who never pass on to the after life/heaven. It’s said they live their lives on earth along with us. Some people are able to catch a glimpse of them or they see nothing. Very few are able to interact with them. Whether or not this is a curse or a gift, to know someone who had passed on was living with you in your house is a chilling thought. I know that a number of people find it comforting for their loved ones to dwell among them knowing that they’re watching over the house and everyone in it. I’m not one of them. It creeps me out and gives me goose bumps. The fact that they’re dead and can’t be seen makes me feel uneasy. I prefer the visibly alive.

halloween suprise

Being afraid is something that many don’t like to share. Other than those who have a certain mental disease, everyone has something they’re afraid of. As a child I was afraid of the little girl from The Ring, Samara. Since I had long black hair, a simple look in the mirror with my hair in front of my face would freak me out. Since I was already afraid, I thought, “why not make those around me scared too?” I made sure all my friends had seen the movie before I had attempted my joke. Halloween was coming up so I decided to plan it for that day. In the end I was successful in freaking people and some even cried. To this day the hairs on my arm still stand up when I'm alone in a dark room with a TV.

Causing Bunions

Shoes. They’re used for walking, warmth, and relating to others. Some maybe wondering how it would relate to others. I’m sure everyone has heard the sayings “take a walk in their shoes”. Some people are so insensitive to the point where they break another person down to crying. Yesterday in physiology class, our teacher talked about the ability to distinguish emotions with expressions or voice tone. He mentioned a (obvious) fact about women were better at distinguishing emotions than men. Men don’t seem to know that the smallest comment could have such an enormous impact on a woman. Some women remember things for months to years. Because men seem so crazy and careless, they sometimes forget that men are also insecure. Something that meant nothing could make them feel “less of a man”. Everyone has something to be insecure about; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all human; shoes hurt and cause bunion/scars.

Frosty nights

Simple things like the cool wind blowing on a frosty night change my mood so drastically. Not many things can change what I feel in such a positive way, so quickly. Taking time to sit, so I may ponder, could even alter my attitude. But when is there time? Do we have time to watch the grass grow or to watch the leaves change colors? Time is always an issue or the solution. Time may pass too quickly for some, but for others, time heals many wounds. Thinking too much into the future makes me feel anxious and uneasy. When things are too much, a walk in the cold night always relaxes me. There's too much and too little to do in life. It may not make sense to you but for others, it means so much. It ironic how things work out for people.

Never be afraid to sit awhile and think

The ideal days for sitting around and doing nothing would definitely be when it’s pouring. It’s perfect for those moments that bombard you. Everyone has moments when a situation that’s so frustration just won’t go away. Sometimes it helps to just close your eyes, sit, and listen. The taping of the computer keys reminds me of the patter of the calming rain. I love the first few unexpected drops that wake me up from the unwelcome messes I make in life. Unlike some, I don’t mind walking through the rain; it’s refreshing. I’m not too favorable of the sun but I will admit that it’s need for continuing life. Some things just can’t be avoided.

What I want

I’m finally going to get a chance to do what I’ve been wanting. But now that it’s really an option for me, I’m not so sure anymore… I’m afraid and nervous about the whole decision. I don’t want to disappoint my friend but it now makes me feel uneasy. I do need a new surrounding but what about here. Do I just leave it behind? Everything’s going to change. I think that’s what I need. I don’t like being called out or standing out; I like to blend in. There are too many things that I’m uncertain about so how will I decide? I guess the question that I really need answered is, “will everything end up ok?” All this thinking is making me frustrated and nervous… I guess I’ll just sleep it away.

High Money

Money. Many powerful people believe they’re better than most because they’re wealthier. Those elitist may have worked hard for their money but it doesn’t mean they can put down those who earn less. But it is true that not all rich people are snobs. There are, however, some who don’t earn much but still believe they should be put above everyone else. They believe they should receive respect after nothing. I would call them arrogant.

Just because one has a high status or money doesn’t mean they are spoiled. To dislike someone because they were given something you weren’t is childish and vein. Along with money, jealousy is also green. To make something out of your life, you need to make friends because you never know when you need help. However, no one wants an overbearing jerk to get ahead in life. So shrink your head and fake a smile because you’re probably not going anywhere if you don’t.

Stuck

Alone at night, you begin to replay the day. Most often, I stop my flashback at the moment I get nervous or flustered. I try desperately to think of ways to reverse the damage I had done previously. Usually, it’s irreversible. Life isn’t perfect no matter how many times you try and change it. You may be stuck in a situation where you’re just not happy and nothing brings you up. The words “got to get out” repeat numerously throughout your head. But it hurts you to know, that you never will. Always being tired and unenthusiastic about this mundane schedule makes life pretty unbearable. Nowadays, it’ll all about being spontaneous but it still doesn’t help with the thoughts in my head. I wonder what drastic event must take place in order for me to be satisfied.

Big Blue

There are countless occasions where innocent people have been wronged. You might even ponder what occurrence took place for that action to follow through? I believe there are those who use wrongdoings as a last resort and some that do it for the fun of it. It makes one think about the kind of world we live in. The cost of the world depends on the actions that take place in it. My next question comes up as, is the world worth anything? Of course the value of provider is added to the equation but it doesn’t quite equal out with all the evil plots that come about. I can’t determine whether or not we deserve the planet but we do require it to live. Since I can’t come up with a set response, I suppose it’s up to others. Maybe recycling could be used to represent it. If you recycle, you believe that even with all the mischief in the world, it’s worth saving. If you litter or just throw away recyclables, you believe it’s much too late for us to be saved. Either way it’s just something to think about.

Remembering the Past

These blogs are required for a grade in my IB English class. They changed from handwritten journals to computerized blogs. A few days ago, I came upon my sister’s old journals for the very same class. Before moving to a new state, my family went through some hard times. Talking honestly about the situation, I felt alone. My sister acted as if it didn’t affect her, as if it didn’t mean anything to her. Reading each page, she revealed what she had truly felt. I had learned that it had impacted her just as much as me, maybe even more. My first reaction was anger. Back then, I had made my emotions apparent but all she did was scoff and turn away. She made me feel stupid and alone for something that she felt the very same about. Then I thought I was over reacting and that she just didn’t want to share. In the end, I agree to the fact that it wasn’t my business to know how she felt. It just would have been easier to get through if I had someone who could relate to me.

changing

Being different is hard but it also can’t be helped. Some try to change so drastically that it doesn’t suit them at all. They alter their personality so that it fits another group’s preference. But I ask, “Is it really worth all the trouble and time?” There are already people who like you for who you are, why risk it and change? Many people say they won’t change for anyone. They say they’re ok with who they are. When I look at them, I can’t seem to recognize who they are. Falling to peer pressure is the same. You might not think you’re changing but others can see what you can’t. The bystanders witness the good and the bad that come to you. It’s how you react to them that are important. Don’t expose yourself to others who don’t respect themselves or you. But then not all changes are bad. The changes that better you won’t be looked down upon but admired.

Regret

It’s something that most everyone has. I can say that, for sure, that I’ve had plenty that I regret. But if I didn’t do it in the first place, I’d keep asking myself… What if? Two special words that begin the hours of daydreaming and hesitation. One day I acted on my “what If” and decided to try out at school. Because I didn’t really want the part and didn’t take it too seriously, I was able to have fun and play around with it. Few days later she calls my names for one of the solos. I didn’t want to feel like I had wasted all of her time so I just accepted the part. In the end, I honestly did regret trying out (bad moral)…. It made me feel like I could have gone through those few weeks without being nervous about going on stage. Frankly, I was terrible. It was embarrassing and I don’t plan on doing anymore solos. So the new moral of the story is, trust your gut.

Surrounded

Life is a serious of rooms. Who we end up in those rooms with, help makes up who we become. You can decide whether or not that pertains to you but for me, it’s nothing but the truth. Just think of everything you go through as a box. For instance, school. For 8 hours, five days a week, you spend it with students and teachers. Spending all that time with them will definitely influence you in some way. It may make you more mature or more foolish. But sooner or later, they become your friend. You start picking up things they do or say and it becomes yours. So a cheesy way to think of it would be that they’re becoming part of you. It’s never bad to have a lot of friends; it just means you’re a friendly person. But at the end of the day, it’s the ones that don’t leave you, that are worth keeping. The friends that you will have for years are the friends that know everything about you. Going through life, they’re a necessity. As years go on, their personalities (and yours) may change. Doesn’t mean it won’t work out. For now, keep living and just hope for the best. That’s all we really can do.

Pushing the limit

With so many people in the world and all around you, it seems that not everyone can say what they think (if they are even thinking). Some are left silent and pushed away. Those who feel that way, can’t just let it just happen. They have to push their way into the conversation and remain there. If you don’t have the nerve to interject then don’t complain about it later. It’s as simple as that. I’m really not this cold but when people act so ignorant it can’t be helped. If you never stand up for yourself, no one might. Why wait? Take the initiative and do it yourself. BUT! If you have a certain perspective, say it, and then move on. Don’t argue with teachers about rules. They can’t change it. To be so rude and immature enough to yell back, just proves how naive and incompetent that generation might be. It embarrasses me to be associated with them in any way possible. Where is yelling going to take you? Well… kicked out of class is one thing. Go ahead, keep pushing. Let’s see how far you can get.

Creepers...

We’ve all had those moments where, dark at night, you hear the steps of another following you. Your pace quickens as you grasp your keys tighter. When your paranoia is finally at its peak, you turning yelling at … nothing. There are some things that, without a doubt, are weird or creepy… or both. For example, people following you around. No matter who does that, IT’S CREEPY! And smelling/petting people’s hair? Yeah… don’t do it. It’s one thing to do it to your friend but with people you don’t know? Don’t you ever wonder what they might be thinking? Oh and randomly shoving fries at someone is not how you make them your friend. Yes, it does fall under the category of creep. One thing that personally freaks me out is when people watch you sleep. I’m not a hamster, stop watching over me. I won’t run away… for now.

Neverland

People say to live life to the fullest. They say life’s short and you don’t want to regret anything while you’re young. But how can you when you’re stuck in school for most of it? If death was coming tomorrow, wouldn’t we regret spending all that time in school and not some far away Neverland? If we were all to live by that quote, wouldn’t our generation be destroyed from the past ones? Think about it… our parents would basically be hobos who had a crap load of fun. So the question is… Would we have a future if we were to “live life to the fullest”? Even I do agree that people should be spontaneous at certain times, but consequences are still anticipated.

And another thing! If life’s so short, then why is it the longest thing we go through? So if you ask me, it’s pretty freaking long. Sometimes it’s a little too long. My personal preference is not to exist past the age of 35. For some reason, becoming old, wrinkly, and odd smelling just doesn’t appeal to me. Life’s hard enough as it is, I don’t need my bones reminding me that death was only a hop and a skip away.

Of course it’s inevitable, but why fear it? No one wants a painful death where everyone is crowded around them gasping and wondering if you’re ok. I want something quiet or at least quick so that I wouldn’t hear the people yelling for help. At least the ones who leave us enter their own personal Neverland. Finally, calmness and peace would be an option, where here on earth, all you get is trouble and loud angry people yelling and shouting. But on the bright side of that, I’m sure they would regret it later when you’re dead. So at least you have that going for you when you die!